Low
by Cassandra Mulder
Summary: Cordelia, betrayed and confused, leaves all she's ever known behind.


Title: Low  
  
Author: Cassandra Mulder  
  
Feedback: Yes, please! Here or cassandra_mulder@yahoo.com It is loved and appreciated.  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Spoilers: Angel Late Season 3/All of Four.  
  
Classification: Angel; C/A; angst; drama  
  
Archive: Nothing Fancy, my personal archive, Bound (http://www.geocities.com/cassandra_mulder), anyone else please ask.  
  
Disclaimer: "Angel" and the characters within belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy Productions, 20th Century Fox, and the WB. No infringement is intended. I have proof I don't own them - I'm poor, and my head is on my shoulders, not up my... *cough*   
  
The song "Low" was written by Jimmy Harry, performed by Kelly Clarkson and is © EMI Virgin Music, Inc./Whorga Music (ASCAP). No infringement is intended.  
  
  
  
Summary: Cordelia, betrayed and confused, leaves all she's ever known behind.  
  
Dedication: To all my friends at Stranger Things who have suffered the mess Whedon made of our beloved show, not to mention our favorite couple, and to Charisma Carpenter who gave us seven wonderful years of Cordelia Chase, whom we will never forget.  
  
A/N: Saved from writer's block again! I saw Kelly Clarkson perform "Low" on an awards show, and it helped push along the story of Cordelia's departure that had already been forming in my head. Not a moment too soon, as I'd been suffering from writer's block for two months. This story is the result of that inspiration, and more than anything it's a chance for Cordy to leave with the dignity that the show's creator and writers are sure to strip her completely of. I love the character too much to see that happen, so I did it my way. I hope you like.  
  
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Have you ever been low?  
  
Have you ever had a friend that let you down so?  
  
When the truth came out  
  
Were you the last to know?  
  
Were you left out in the cold?  
  
'Cause what you did was low  
  
- "Low" Kelly Clarkson  
  
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"Let me explain," Angel pleaded again, as he watched the dark haired young woman going through the boxes in one of many abandoned rooms at the Hyperion. They were all abandoned now.  
  
Cordelia closed her eyes, inhaled, shook her head, and exhaled. "I've heard it all, Angel, and I don't need to hear anymore.  
  
"Now, if you don't mind, I'm leaving in less than twenty-four hours, and I've got to finish going through my things," she insisted, wearily running a hand through her hair. It was so much longer now than the last time she'd... She sighed.  
  
It hardly mattered now. A year of her life was missing, and all she could do was try to move forward. There was no getting back the time she'd spent in a coma. It was a small wonder she'd ever come out of it in the first place.  
  
"But why do you have to leave?" Angel asked, only repeating the same question that was running on a loop in his head.  
  
"Why? Because there's nothing left here for me, Angel. I was abducted by God only knows what, and while there are many things I don't remember, I do remember you never tried to help me outta there. Oh, I could see you, buddy, every little thing you did, and none of it was trying to figure out how to save me, even after you found out where I was."  
  
"Cordy, I didn't know..."  
  
"Shut up!" she burst out, her frustration taking over.  
  
He quickly obeyed, startled by her outburst.  
  
"You did nothing, and if you'd tried to help me, what happened... Well, things might have been prevented." She fought the tears that desperately wanted to fall at the thought of what she'd been told she'd done.  
  
"I killed people, Angel. Innocent people, just like the ones I tried to save all those years. I... ugh... *Connor* got me pregnant, and I freaking gave birth to evil!  
  
"And did you notice, Angel? Did *anyone* notice before it was too late?"  
  
He could only stare at her, completely at a loss for words.  
  
"I thought you loved me, Angel. I thought I could rely on you for anything. But I was terribly wrong."  
  
Angel could see the sadness in her eyes, the disappointment. In him. In everything she'd believed him to be. He felt the heart he'd hardened to the entire world soften a bit toward her as he wished he could go back and change so many things.  
  
"I do love you," he finally said, so softly she almost didn't catch it.  
  
Cordelia resisted the urge to snort none too delicately at his murmured declaration. Things weren't all his fault, but it was too late for that now. It was too late for a lot of things.  
  
She turned from the box of clothes she was sorting through to face him.  
  
"No, you don't. But there was a time I loved you, Angel. Enough to suffer for you, enough to fight beside you, enough to care for your son like he was my own.  
  
"But things are hardly like they used to be anymore, and I can't stay. Not now."  
  
Angel already knew the answer, but he asked again anyway. "Why not?"  
  
"We're not the same people anymore. I don't know who you've become, but it isn't the champion I believed in, the *man* that I knew could make a difference. You're hard and cold, and you just don't care anymore. That's not you, but that's what the Powers have manipulated you to be. You can't let them win, Angel. They're not right anymore, they're not what we thought them to be.  
  
"Besides that, I won't work for Wolfram & Hart. Not a chance. They got me out of that coma somehow, but I don't owe them anything."  
  
"But where will you go?"  
  
"New York, probably. L.A. certainly hasn't done anything for me. Maybe I can still be a model," she said with a smile that held none of the brightness it used to. "I'm still only twenty-three, surely some photographer or designer will be desperate enough to hire me. At least till I can make some money and get on my feet and do something important.   
  
"I don't have the visions anymore, but I still want to make a difference. You're not the only one that has a penance to pay now," she said, sadness shadowing her features.  
  
Sadness Angel knew he could've prevented if only he hadn't been so wrapped up in himself and had been looking out for his friends like he was supposed to.  
  
"They'll want you, and not out of desperation," he offered quietly.  
  
She tried to smile, but her heart wasn't in it. Not for him. Not anymore. She finished transferring her best outfits from the boxes to her suitcase, and stood up. Angel had promised to have what she couldn't take with her shipped to her once she was settled, and she hoped she could at least count on him for that.  
  
He stood up also, facing her, not knowing how to let her go.  
  
"I can't stay, Angel. No matter how much you ask or apologize, I just can't. This is the unfortunate turn our lives have taken - again," she added ruefully. "There are things I have to learn to accept and deal with, and I have to do it on my own. I can't be here and see the way Wesley, Fred, and Gunn look at me. They saw me being something I wasn't, and they've irrevocably changed just as much as you have."  
  
She dropped her head. "There's no use thinking of the way things should've been," she whispered, her hazel eyes brimming with unshed tears.  
  
Cordelia ran her hands wearily over her face, not knowing what else to say. What could she say? Her life was destroyed and all of her friends' along with it.  
  
"If you want to do something for me, remember the man I knew you could be. Not the vampire, the *man*," she said firmly.  
  
No words would form around the lump that suddenly threatened to close his throat, so he only silently nodded.  
  
As he watched, she picked up her suitcase, straightened her shoulders, and, willing herself not to look back, walked out the door.  
  
She was leaving behind the only world she knew, the only people she knew. But she knew enough to know she could make it on her own. She was a survivor, and she had too much dignity and pride to fail.  
  
"Don't go," she heard him whisper, and she walked on.  
  
Finis 


End file.
